No. 4 “Avion Fromage”
Do you want to know how to make the flight attendant in the La Premiere cabin of the Air France A380 on your nonstop flight to Paris smile? Well, do this: once she has cleared the filet mignon with the shallots and bordelaise, and refilled your glass with the 2012 Chateau Canon from St. Emilion, and she brings out the cheese cart and she asks you what cheeses you want, and you look at them, perplexed because you really don’t know what any of them are, you simply need to say, “all of them, s'il vous plait.” And it will never fail to get a smile.
Happily she will take her cheese knife and slice a healthy portion on to your plate and give you another couple pieces of bread with which to eat the cheese. And with the Chateau Canon, you will be happy.
The French like to eat. They LOVE to eat. Eating is their national pastime. And, they want you to eat. They love it when you love to eat. So, displaying an appetite like I did, makes them happy. And it’s always nice to see a French person smile, rather than frown derogatorily, which they do almost just as often. You should just keep eating, which is something I don’t have a problem with.
Soon, however, it was time for sleep. I took so long eating my filet and cheese that I wasn’t able to enjoy the raspberry tart they had on the menu. C’est la vie. I was full anyway.
An attendant cleared my table, and gave me a felt envelope containing a pair of black cotton Air France pajamas with the logo of the airline on the left breast pocket. She then directed me to the changing room, which is a separate room next to the lavatory, where I could change into them.
I came back to a fully horizontal bed, complete with a fluffy down comforter and pillow. At the side were Michel Cluziel chocolates to see me off to sleep.
***
Okay, so I couldn’t sleep. I was too excited. And, the jerk next to me refused to close his window while all the rest of the occupants of the cabin were trying to sleep as well. I put on the mask they gave me in the little cosmetics box made me feel like I was in a prison. Le sigh.
I decided to get out of bed and go to the lavatory. And, sitting on a shelf by the stairway, what do I find? But an uncorked bottle of Krug in an ice bucket, the elegant gold foiled neck resting testily against the ice bucket’s edge.
If a bottle of Krug is opened, but there is no one there to drink it, does it exist?
It does because I am drinking it now.
I went back to my seat and decided to examine the box of cosmetics they give all the La Premiere passengers.
The French are an extraordinarily verbal people. They love describing things.
Carita is a cosmetics company that sponsors the La Premiere cabin. They’ve done this for at least three years because it was the same in 2016 when I last did this.
Here is an example of how verbal the French are. The brochure that explains the Carita cosmetics says:
Even in the air
Reveal your beauty
In partnership with AIR FRANCE LA PREMIERE CARITA proposes you a selection of 4 essential products for an immediate beauty enhancement and invites you to experience the prestigious world of professional cosmetic.
The brochure invites you to visit the Carita boutique at 11 Faubourg St Honoré, a very chic address.
There are four samples of Carita cosmetics in the beautiful faux leather box. One of them is described...
He sips some more Krug.
Thanks to hyaluronic acid association with xylophose derivative and caffeine, this SOIN REGARD hydrate skin and fight effectively wrinkles and bags. In a few minutes eyes light up and seem entirely relax. The partner to fight issues on your look due to air conditioning.
It even includes a tip.
Apply to the contour of the eyes with pressure points ideal on waking a fresh look all day long a long flight.
The last “a long flight” bit is clearly a typo. Indeed, I don’t think there is anyone in this La Premiere cabin has actually read that, or the other eight unique descriptions included in the brochure for the other samples.
It’s an example, though, of why people either love, or hate, the French. Everything is so precious, so studied. The pursuit of the beautiful - be it food, art or skin - is of paramount importance, which includes the marketing. Such flowery language makes me gag - that anyone would actually take it seriously is beyond me. And, quite frankly, I think it’s hysterical. Did they even bother to get someone who spoke English to proofread the translation? I mean, England is just right over there. Certainly it can’t be that hard to find and English speaker in Paris to let them know how ridiculous what they’re saying is.
Another sip of Krug is taken.
Okay. Now it’s really time for sleep.
Glass is finished.
Next stop, Paris.